Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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