i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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