he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
