If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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