I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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