Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
