John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
