Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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