I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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