no, he came in my armpit
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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