you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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