If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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