Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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