IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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