got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am mentally ready for anal.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
