So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
