I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
