You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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