and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
