WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
