its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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