i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
