you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
