Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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