Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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