Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
