I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
