ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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