I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
