I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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