After last night, I could never be a politician.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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