Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
