When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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