my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
