I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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