The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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