Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
