Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize