Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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