I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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