can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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