Need sex. Gaining weight.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
