i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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