Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
