I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Randomize
