Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
