you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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