Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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