I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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