This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize