i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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