8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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