Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
