Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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