I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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