you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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