So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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