can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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