U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
