I'm so fucking centered right now
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
