I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
