Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
