Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
