Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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