Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
