i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
