Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
