the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Can i not drive my cunt home
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
