"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
