I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
