8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
